The Toughest Part of Being a Parent

I have come to the conclusion that the hardest part of being a parent is making decisions. You try to educate yourself as much as possible to make the best choices for your children and family. However, I think as a parent you are always questioning your decisions. There is so much societal pressure as to what is the right or wrong way to parent. People, especially other moms, are very judgemental of other moms.

I have ran into a few major decisions lately that need to be made and I am very much torn on what to do. What if I make the wrong decision? What if what I think is the right decision ends up being the wrong one? What will other people think?

The first decision is about the H1N1 vaccine. I have flip flopped several times on what I should do regarding this vaccine. There is so much media hype on this flu. The CDC is wanting people to get vaccinated however there isn't much testing on the vaccine. There are people saying not to get the vaccine and then there are people that are dying because of this flu. I don't think I would be so torn if I didn't have a newborn. His little immune system isn't built up and I hate to think what would happen if he did get the swine flu. I spoke to our pediatrician about it and he just repeats that the CDC wants people to get vaccinated. He will only give the vaccine to kids between the ages 2-4. So, the only one that can be vaccinated is Carter. I asked him what his personal opinion of the vaccine is and his response: "Please don't ask me that question." What??? Why not?! That statement really scared me. So, as of right now I don't think Carter is going to get vaccinated for the H1N1. I am going to get everyone the seasonal flu this year which I normally don't. But again, with a newborn I want to take all precautions.

The next decision is really weighing heavy on me right now. I ruptured a disc in my spine. It is causing me to have extreme pain in my hip and down my leg. My toes have started to go numb and my other leg is starting to hurt too. I have taken a round of oral steroids which did not provide relief. I am also taking a combination of muscle relaxers and pain killers. Those provide some relief but leave me very drowsy. A drowsy mom makes for a terrible mom. Also, even though these drugs are safe to take while breastfeeding they are still being passed on to Liam. I hate that he is getting a dose of these drugs even though they are in small amounts. I have a prescription for a non-narcotic pain reliever but it isn't safe to take while nursing. It is targeted directly at nerve pain but I currently cannot take it. I could switch Liam over to formula for a little bit and pump and dump and then pick up breastfeeding after I am finished with the medication. However, I really don't think it would be possible for me to pump that much with having three kids. I exclusively pumped for Carter for 4 months and that took A LOT of time, time I don't have now. Both Carter and Preston have been formula fed and are very healthy kids. My struggle is not necessarily switching Liam over to formula but not having that bonding time while nursing. I really enjoy nursing and I think I will really miss it if I quit now. Liam is my last baby and I want to hang on to every little thing with him.

I do need to make the best decision for my family, my whole family. It isn't fair to Carter and Preston that I am in too much pain to get down on the floor and play with them. I'm not taking them out to parks or play dates... we are staying home all the time. I have to take my other kids into consideration. I have to be the best mommy to all three of my kids, not just one. I also have to do what is best for me. The constant pain is taking a toll on my mental health and in order to be a good mommy I need to be healthy, physically and mentally.

I am praying about these choices and hoping God will help guide me in the right direction. I'm praying that others will support me in whatever decision I come to and realize that this is a very hard decision and I pray that others will not judge me. I really wish parenting was easier. It definitely makes me appreciate my own parents so much more now.